You’ll often hear Maté say that compassion isn’t a soft, sentimental feeling—it’s a courageous way of being. It’s not just something we extend to others, but something we practice in how we hold space, challenge systems, and care for ourselves.
I want to share some thinking around five expressions of compassion in social work practice, grounded in Maté’s philosophy and the unique context of Aotearoa.
🪶 1. Compassion as Curiosity
Maté reminds us: “Trauma is not what happens to you, but what happens inside you as a result of what happens to you.”
In fact, we explored this concept in one of our Book Club readings – What Happened to You by Dr Bruce Perry. This book, as well as Maté and other authors, discuss how trauma is not the event itself, but how we understand it, internalise, and what we make it mean to us.
Considering compassion as curiosity invites us to look deeper—to approach people with curiosity instead of judgment. ‘Seek first to understand’. Brene Brown says it is impossible to be curious and judgemental at the same time. A concept dating back to Walt Whitman who simply said ‘be curious, not judgemental’. Gabor Mate expresses this as a form of compassion.
When a young person disengages from their care plan, when a parent lashes out, when a whānau resists support—we ask: What happened to you?
In social work, this looks like trauma-informed engagement. It means slowing down enough to listen not just to the words, but to the silence, the body language, the whakapapa of the pain.
Curiosity is a deeply compassionate act. It says: I see more in you than this moment.
🪶 2. Compassion as Presence
Maté often says: “Healing is not about fixing. It’s about being present with what is.”
In a world addicted to solutions and outcomes, this kind of compassion can feel radical. It means sitting with someone in their grief, their rage, their uncertainty—without trying to make it tidy.
When we offer our full attention to someone, without rushing to fix, advise, or analyse, we’re saying, “You matter. I’m with you.” That kind of presence is powerful, because it allows us to connect through empathy, not just sympathy.
Empathy, as Brené Brown teaches, is feeling with someone—not from a distance, but right there beside them. And that only happens when we’re fully present, grounded, and willing to sit in discomfort. Presence doesn’t always require words. Sometimes, the most compassionate thing we can do is simply stay, listen, and let the silence be safe.
In your practice, think about the moments where just being there—without a strategy, without a referral form—has meant everything to someone.
Presence is compassion. It reminds people that they don’t have to be alone in their pain.
🪶 3. Compassion as Accountability
Now here’s where it can get a bit uncomfortable, because compassion is also political. Maté is clear that trauma isn’t just personal, it’s systemic. Poverty, racism, colonisation—these are traumatising forces.
So if we’re truly compassionate, we must also hold systems to account. That might look like:
- Challenging a funding model that does not uphold its commitments and values
- Calling out culturally unsafe practice.
- Supporting tino rangatiratanga and equity.
Compassion here means we don’t just soothe individuals—we speak out against what causes their suffering in the first place.
In Aotearoa, this means aligning with kaupapa Māori and upholding Te Tiriti o Waitangi, not as a box-tick, but as a relational responsibility.
This aligns with the very definition of social work itself, as a profession rooted in social justice, human rights, and advocacy, where compassion isn’t passive but actively challenges the structures that create and sustain inequity.
🪶 4. Compassion as Self-Kindness
This one’s the hardest for many of us.
Maté says: “You can’t give what you don’t have. If you’re not compassionate toward yourself, how can you be truly compassionate toward others?”
In social work, we are taught to put others first. But constantly overriding our own needs doesn’t make us more helpful—it makes us hollow.
Self-compassion means:
- Saying no without guilt.
- Taking breaks and believing you deserve them.
- Naming your burnout before it becomes collapse.
This isn’t weakness. It’s leadership. Because when we honour our own limits, we give others permission to do the same.
🪶 5. Compassion as Connection
Maté teaches that the essence of trauma is disconnection: from self, from others, from culture, from community. And so the essence of healing is reconnection.
As social workers, our role is not to fix people, it’s to support reconnection. Reconnection with whakapapa. With whenua. With hope. With collective identity.
At Bellbird, our kaupapa has always been about connection—genuine, authentic connection. Not just between practitioner and client, but between colleagues, between communities, and within ourselves. The truth is, we need compassion and connection just as much as the people we serve. When we practice compassion as connection—with honesty, with presence, with integrity—we’re not just doing better work; we’re keeping ourselves well. This is what sustains us. This is what prevents the work from hardening us. And this is what keeps the wairua of our sector alive.
Connection is what restores mana.
Connection is compassion.
Which of these are you most needing in your practice right now?
Remember—compassion isn’t soft. It’s fierce. It’s wise. And it’s urgently needed.
